The football shorts that keep you engrossed.

Man of the week
Terry Venables – seven days after rejecting Newcastle because he wanted a long-term contract (like the ones that ended in pay-offs of £2m from Leeds, £1m from Palace and £500k from Portsmouth) – using his Sun column to explain what’s gone wrong at Spurs: It’s about… ‘Greed, mismanagement, egos and selfishness. Dimitar Berbatov kept telling us he had a “dream”. Well, good for you Dimi, you had a dream – with a few extra noughts added to your bank balance.’

Best transcript from Joe Kinnear’s press conference last week – Daily Mirror

‘UNCUT AND UNCENSORED: JOE KINNEAR’S TIRADE IN FULL

JK: “You are absolutely f****** out of order. I am telling you you can f*** off and go to another ground. I will not come and stand for that f****** crap. No f****** way, lies. F***, you’re saying I turned up and they f***** off. F*** off. F*** off. It’s your last f****** chance.”‘

Timing
1 Oct: Man United, £666m in debt and with a sponsor surviving on an $85bn bailout, ‘could be vulnerable to rising bank rates and a downturn in revenues’, say reports.

1 Oct: Manutd.com: ‘Ask for a Manchester United mortgage quote and you could win £5,000 to put towards your household bills! Now that would really help you stay on top of your finances, wouldn’t it?’

Youse lot
Fergie’s new total press boycott (‘You’ll never get any help out of me again’) was a natural next step – previous Fergie media boycotts since 2002 include: The Mirror, Daily Express, Sunday Express, Daily Star, BBC, Daily Mail (life ban), Manchester Evening News, Sky (twice), the Press Association, Five Live, Century FM, a whole press conference in May 2002 (‘On you go. I’m no’ fucking talking to you. Youse are all fucking idiots’), plus his best: September 2005 – boycotts his own channel, MUTV, for the second time. The first MUTV boycott came in 2002 – a month before Fergie was chosen to speak at a Uefa conference on how managers should handle the media.

Epic
2008: ‘Dismayed’ Elton John attacks Watford’s board for financial irresponsibility: ‘I fear we could be facing a catastrophe. What has happened to all the money?’

2000: Elton admits in court to ‘epic spending sprees’ averaging £1.5m a month, including £293,000 on flowers. ‘I like flowers.’

Legal news
In court last week: Brazilian ladyboy Andrei, accused of attempting to extort £15,000 from star client Ronaldo. Ronaldo told Globo TV’s Fantastico how he offered three hookers £450 each before discovering they were men – and says Andrei demanded the cash to keep quiet. Andrei’s counter-claim says Ronaldo refused to pay the men for ‘good services rendered’. The case continues.

Sexy impulse
A top Spanish porn site says Espanyol fans are the ‘biggest downloaders’ in the Primera Division. The survey of the ‘needs’ of 150,000 supporters found fans of relegation-threatened sides displayed ‘the lowest levels of sexy impulse’.

Source: The Guardian